Don't mind me, I'm just having a tantrum. I'm trying to keep this blog positive and forward facing. But the truth is, infertility isn't always pretty. There are ugly and unsavoury moments as well. I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't include these moments now and again.
I realize there is no "deservedness" to have kids, and that I'm neither judge nor jury on this particular subject. I also realize we will categorize this one under "bitter".
This girl from my childhood who literally has babies to up her social assistance payments is thrilled to announce she is, once again, knocked up.
She gets pregnant every year or so. She can't afford to do the things her children need, but she gets new tattoos pretty regularly. But they're "for" the kids, so could her Facebook friends pls anty up their used toys and could I give her some tickets to kids shows at my work, and are there any used, free bicycles for her poor, no bicycle children. My mom was a single mom, I know how tough that life is, and I would wish it in my worst enemy.
But I am just SO FUCKING ANGRY AT HER. She, in this moment, is responsible for all of my ills. Surgeries and tests and borrowed money, and fights with Husband, and feeling lonely and alienated from all of my people. She's the reason I'm being lapped by friends, and why I can't say "when we have kids" anymore. I hate her. Right now, I truly and honestly hate her. As I sit here on bed rest for the billionth day, feeling hella excited that I ate an English muffin without wanting to kill myself from the pain, I'm just so mad.
This is what infertility does to you, you are so jealous and so bitter that news like this sends you reeling. I don't know this girl, not really, not anymore. Perhaps she is a spectacularly attentive and caring mother. Perhaps her Facebook, like everyone else's social media, doesn't reflect the complexity of their entire lives. And perhaps I'm just a little too beaten up right now to see anything but this one piece.
But this part will end. I'll get out of bed and have that sushi I'm craving so badly. And with any luck, sometime in early 2016, I'll have another long wait for that Alaska Roll.
